Half Dome Hike

My Mom and I just came back from hiking Half Dome in Yosemite. This hike is 8800 feet, 17 miles long and 12-14 hours to climb. We did it in a day. Climbing the mountain with my Mom (that's her in the photo, on the edge) was one of the greatest days of my life. I saw a strength and will in my Mother that I didn't know she had. She's 61 years old and the only female over 30 to hike Half Dome that day. Just amazing to witness. Words can't describe how difficult hiking for 14 hours with a 30 pound pack in 90 degree weather with almost no sleep is. Still, that was nothing compared to the last part which was downright terrifying. The harrowing steps and infamous cables stopped one hiker after another dead in their tracks. I saw men and women come down sobbing because they were so shaken. There's no way to be prepared for the disappointment of not getting to the top after climbing 12-14 hours! It's the ultimate let down. I know because I was one of the people who couldn't. But my Mom did. She was beyond exhausted but her determination was like a Fearless Warrior. I have never been more proud of her than that day.

The next morning we were packing up our hotel room and, I don’t know if it's because we were tired or what, but somehow hurtful words were exchanged. I can't really remember a time when we've ever been in a "fight" but there we were. Of course, we're okay now but the "point" of the pain around our fight was profound. Feeling the fear of heights is nothing compared to the fear of loving. What I got was how afraid people are, especially in a close relationship, to disappoint each other - so they aren't honest. We have to be so brave and emotionally mature for a relationship to work. Moreover, we must trust and allow the connection to naturally unfold, unattached to an idealized outcome. And, that's who I want to be in the world.

When we got home she sent me this Rainbow piece. Not too long ago, I had emailed it to her because it's beautiful. She said she was re-gifting it back for both of us.

The Most Beautiful Rainbow

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Hope

I've been obsessed with the DNC all week, and tonight, with over 80,000 gathered to watch Obama's speech live, I am in awe . This historical moment not only marks the 45th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther Kings "I have a Dream" speech, but it's also the first time this many people have come together for a US political rally, much less that of an African American delivering his presidential nomination acceptance speech. We've come a long way. You'd have to be sans American heart, not to feel the electrifying energy and hope Obama brings. Witnessing and contributing to his political campaign has truly lifted my spirit. I feel gratitude in my bones for how far we've come. And, for those who got us here. I know Obama will carry the torch for a change we can believe in. This is our time, and the time is now. Yes, we can.

Nicks Memorial

Today was Nicks memorial service. A beautiful gathering on the beach in Santa Monica. The weather was gorgeous - 76 and clear. I could feel Nick smiling. I really didn't know anyone there but was invited by a friend of Nicks who read my blog. I was so honored. His loved ones spoke about his way of life. In Nicks own words, "all of life comes to me with ease, joy and glory." Nicks lovely girlfriend, Lisa Todd spoke about three principles Nick truly lived by: Presence, Truth and Compassion. That, combined with heartfelt words from his friend and sister, I came to know Nick as a man of honor and grace. More than once, I was inspired and moved to tears. Funny how small our world is. The minister, Reverend Coco Stewart, is a minister at my church Agape. I don't know if Nick ever attended a service there but it somehow made me feel closer to a man I barely knew. Her words were beautiful as she spoke about Nicks eternal purpose in the lives of everyone fortunate enough to have known him. Again, thank you Nicholas Adams Harrell for being a beautiful teacher in my life and for so many others. Your light lives on ...

In Response to my post about Nick Harrell

I've received many emails in response to my blog about Nick. I posted a link to my Facebook page and from there, it went viral. Friends he knew from high school, college, Chicago and even some in LA, like me, who barely knew Nick have written to express their grief and gratitude. I never imagined anyone would read my post. I was just so heartsick that I had to write something in honor of a man who taught me how to live better. It's beautiful to see what an impact he made on so many people's lives. Clearly, he was a blessed man to have known such good friends. And, from what people have told me, he was an extraordinary presence.

Losing someone we care about brings up so many emotions - love, gratitude, regret, grief, guilt, anger, confusion, disbelief and sadness. What are we supposed to say? How should we console, show our support and express our sympathy? How can WORDS ever convey all we are feeling? From our hearts, we try but it just never seems to feel right.

One of my spiritual mentors taught me a lot about words. In one single year she lost her husband, father and two sons. I can't even imagine. How is someone ever emotionally capable for such immense loss? Her social obligations alone were nearly unbearable. It's not that she wasn't appreciative for the support; she just didn't know what to say to anyone. And, how was she supposed to BE? She felt conflicted because, despite wanting to hide under the covers and cry forever, she had to be brave. One by one, she would listen to people share their grief and sorrow as they tried to comfort her. She knew everyone meant well but she felt so fragmented that she couldn't take their words in. She felt alone. Utterly alone.

Shortly after the death of her second son and the last of four of her loved ones in a year, a dear friend came to visit. He sat down next to her on the living room floor, took a deep long breath, looked into her sad eyes and said, "I don't know what to say." She burst into tears. They sat together in silence for hours. Half a day went by and they never said a word to each other. Finally, they peeled themselves off the floor and went about their evening. She told me that hearing the words, "I don't know what to say" was profoundly healing because it finally gave her the freedom not to know either.

For all who loved Nick, I am truly sorry for your loss.

Nicholas Harrell

I just got back from the gym where I learned my favorite spin instructor Nicholas Harrell died in his sleep Sunday night. He was 32 years old. No one knows why yet but think it was congenital. I found this picture of him on Facebook ... God, I feel heartsick. I didn't know him outside of the gym but I loved his class. He played the best music, had an awesome positive attitude and inspired me to work hard. His class was the only one where I rode front row and center because I knew his energy would push me to new heights when I "locked in" to his rhythm; he was my Seabisquit. Today was an emotional spin. Amy, Equinox's fitness manager and today's instructor, was moved to tears as she shared the news. The class felt heavy and united. I spun from my heart, from my soul, in honor of a young man who died too soon but whose life lives on in me. I wish I would've told him how much his class meant to me. I wish he knew that when I thought I couldn't push any harder I would, because he did. I wish he knew the strength and power I felt in class that I'd carry with me throughout my day. I wish he knew the gratitude I felt knowing I could count on him to be there, every time. More importantly, I wish I would've told him these things when I could have. Today, I learned not to hold back my appreciation just because I barely know someone. Everyone wants to know their significance despite the fact they'd never admit it. Thank you Nicholas for being a beautiful teacher in my life.

Missed Call

What's up with a Missed Call? I don't call people back that don't leave a message (with one exception: my sister). She's a notorious "missed caller," but I call her back because, well I guess it's a sister thing. Seriously though, are people so busy they can't even leave a message? The best is when a Missed Call is from an ex. I saw one on my phone Thursday night. What, did he change his mind, get interrupted or worse, mis-dial? Honestly, who cares. I didn't call him back. The way I see it, if someone wants to get in touch they will. Still, I know plenty of women who will call their ex back. It's another way of saying, "Hi, it's me. I saw that you called and even though we're broken up and you didn't leave a message I'm calling you back because I'm (secretly) interpreting your missed call as you must still care and well, I still care and if you want to call me back, I'm here ... call me!" Why do women use every little crumb as their excuse to get back in touch with someone who was probably difficult to get over? Of course I know WHY but it's like a crack addict looking for a fix. Once the temporary high comes down, all you're left with is depression. A missed call from an ex is a missed call from an ex. Nothing to read in to. If a man has something to say, he will.

A Carrie Bradshaw moment

By the way, best part of my Dads wedding was during their vows, I looked down and noticed I was wearing two different shoes!

Now, more than ever

I promised my friend Steve Shull, a brilliant real estate coach, that I would post something anything tonight, so here I am. Again. Hello! Where've I been? (Not that anyone's wondering) but honestly, I've been finding myself. I know, it sounds so trite but I'm for real. The past year has been life altering. Through brave honesty, I've been growing up and somehow managed to find my voice. When I first quit my job in real estate I was fired up and thought things would just magically happen according to my plan. Ha. Yes, many good things have happened. Professionally, I created a TV show that's been in and out of production twice, got the best broadcasting agent in town (no small feat I might add), interviewed at ABC's The View, been to two different networks for two new talk shows as a lead host, and (hold your breath) actually booked work as a host. Personally, I've dated, had my heart broken, felt the depth of despair, learned a lot about who I am, definitely and measureably grown, traveled many places, had lots of time off, found an amazing spiritual teacher, slept long hours, donated time to a worthy charity, been blessed by an awesome social network and STILL believe in dreams.

So, why blog? I'm passionate about women - especially my friends. I'm convinced that women of the 21st Century (single, dating and married) need a relatable touchstone other than Oprah (no offense, I love her). My wish is for women (me included) to truly be inspired to be who they say they are while secretly waiting to be rescued (by a man, job or size), or worse, before the Oxytocin hits! I'm not a life coach or a relationship expert. I'm just a woman who's worked really hard to (almost always) like myself as I am. And, seriously - who can we turn to these days to get it straight? I'm talking from an honest (not Dr. Phil's "latest") kinda girl who will speak the truth about what it's like to actually be one of us. We are a generation of Sex and the City meets Oprah. We're smarter and sexier than ever and earned the right to have what we want. So why aren't we? Why are we still operating out of a "strategy" that will never work because it's inauthentic? I'm talking about a deep "if I do this, I'll get their approval" method that no longer serves us. We're not getting it because despite all the dating and self help books we've memorized, we aren't owning the message. It's Theory vs. Application. My teacher says, "Wisdom is knowledge experienced." And since I'm fresh out of a "Hi, I have boundaries.com - click on!" 12 month bootcamp (thank you Mary), I figure why not use MY voice and share some insight. Ladies, you're beautiful ... so magical ... but it's time to stop sugar coating the truth. We've got to put our big girl boots on and get real. Now, more than ever.

Much more soon, xo